A Job Seeker's Torment, A Job Seeker's Day. . .

I would imagine that many would agree when you are unemployed and the days and hours are going by, it is no bed of roses. Each day, each morning when you wake up, your very first thoughts are of how you are not going out anyway to work for your living space.

You actually begin to realize that, depending on the circumstances, you are taking up space. And relative to how or where you live, you are exhausting space. You wake and know that today, this day you are not making any money. This pointed fact is the neuclus, the bottom line, there is no income. And depending on whether or not you are the primary bread winner in the family, this can be a devastating blow to your mind each and every day you wake up.

So you wake up and comprehend that as you wash your face and brush your teeth or comb your hair that today, no funds of your own are going into any 401-k plan and, the fact that health care is a dead issue for you, because even this is dependent upon your being "gainfully" employed, the tooth ache you may be experiencing must be ignored until the day comes when you are employed once again. This will be when, the pieces will all fall into place, after being displaced.

And you go about your day, dress as if you are going into "the office", some office and you hit the pavement because conducting all of your search online, while to a degree productive, does not seem really productive at all. You have seen no one, so no one knows your name, not really. They don't know you, your personality and your spirit, your drive to succeed and be successful not only for yourself, but for them too. Where? There. Far off but there is the company that will not hire you. Not now at least. Not when you need them to most. So you must get out and see the world and feel as if you are a part of the production of things, of living, of life.

And when you get out, you get to watch. You see the people, all the people walking or driving or bussing to their jobs, or taking a break from their jobs. Some look as if they are tired of their jobs while others seem estactic about their jobs. Briefcases are still being swung by young ambitious looking white boys, determined to make their mark, and they are optimistic about their chances and they should be! They carry the most important card available in the structured economy, the free pass card associated with their status and gender, so they smile because they know this and it brings a sense of confidence and entitlement, not allowed to anyone else in the world. And then there is the guy with the backpack and he is headed to his IT stationed life, filled with singleness and exactness so noticeable. The ladies, in skirts feeling professional . . . Yes, you pass them all and are so aware of their jobness, so painfully aware of the simple fact that they have what you want so very much. And it seems insane, crazy even that you do not have this one thing, you, so accomplished and available and ready, so ready.

And all around there are the working people and you know completely, that you are not one of them. After working yourself for so very many years, diligently, honestly, loyally working, you are not one of them any longer and this is an amazement only to you! So acutely and only yours to carry and so you carry it. This feeling of separateness that will not fall away from you because you do see the workers every day.

And as the day passes, you wonder if in all the days that you did work and would joke about wanting a day off, a vacation day, a need of "time off", why at this precise time while you are unemployed, you wonder why, this day or yesterday or tomorrow, does not feel like a vacation day. Why can't the day itself be enjoyed even for a moment for what it is, a clear, sunshiny day? But those attributes are unacceptable, theoretically unclear and unsubstantiated because you are unemployed and there can be no thoughts of contentment in the day, not until the day that someone says, You Are Hired. . .

Then and only then will you be free and able to enjoy the beauty of the events that follow in waking up and moving through the motions of life, because you will once again be a part of it all. The hussle and the hussling that make you feel real, worthy. Only this status allows you to be validated in existing until the next phase of it all. And that part, that section or place isn't as close as it use to be before you were "let go", "laid off", "dis-placed", "dissolved" or "restructured". Because after that occurrence, all the funds saved were used and now its back to square one.

"Starting all over again, it's gonna be rough, on us, but we're going to make it"? Wasn't that a song once? You can hear it clearly now, following you along the day, your day, after you wake up.