So hard, so incredible hard to be....

Self condemning, self alienating, self deserving, self serving, self concerting, self preverting, self sufficient, self deficient, self insistent, self diminished, self finished, self centered, self entered, self contained, self detained, self pity, self study, self importance, self denounced, self defense, self indulgent, self repugnant, self redundant, self honored, self cornered, self set, self get
a grip.

Lost.  In the selfishness of this world, as well as in my world.  It feels as if the world is against self scrutiny, self reliance, self discrimination, self theory, preverse in form and nature.  Myself.

I abide by the rules for the most part.  I stay apart of the world, as well as it will have me.  I stay apart from the world as well as GOD will lead me.  I self analysis my demise and my mortality with the realization that this moment will mean nothing to no one some years from know, so how do I get so wound up in all of the confusion and dread that spreads its way across my path?

Lost and found the ground is nearer than the sky and I have fallen not too far down from my post, which once revealed was found to be just a few short steps to the bottom.  It matters little and still a grip must be forth coming in order to go on from here.

Hopefully all will learn that when push comes to shove and it envidedbly, always does, the only ones who stay true and close to you will be your family.  The others will only allow themselves to partake of only so much of your self when it is not measurable any more?  After one hits the floor and there is a need to get back up, or look up and see who is standing next to . . .  The self discovery is self absorbing and selfishly admired in horror and painful recognition of all the nightmares merged together and whether or not one makes it through the self assessment is self explanatory at least to some, who have overcome the obstacles.

Will it be you?  Certainly, it always will be and that will not change.  Will there be room for the self in others?  Who knows.  Not I, because I am self deposed and too far away from the center and the top to see what might be or could have been.   It should be a sin really, but it's not and I have got no self induced means of making it any better.

Sorry Ma, I thought it was all figured out and planned way back when, but you see, Willie Lynch made the blue print of the house that Jack built and he providede all of the materials too for free.  So there was little if anything left for your children or even me.  Which isn't to say my self respect is not in tact, it simply lacks the will to keep going.  Self ish isn't it?  Self deserting, self of self,  me.