When Will It All Make Sense???

You start out in life just about the same as everyone else. With four limbs, two eyes, mouth, nose, senses to engage you as you develop these moving parts and begin to shape your own world. Of course you have your mind, brain, memory builder, internal confidante' who you begin to seek out at a very early age as the one, one you can confer with and no one will be the wiser! Your Id, ego and super ego, self, sane self, GOD self, voice of reason, ration and ever growing knowledge. You start out on a level playing field, in most cases and as you grow, you start to look around you and see that others are growing with you too. You grow with them, maybe start school with some of them, discuss like interests, concerns, wonderments with them. Keep growing and you may fight with the playing field equivalents or determine you have different likes, different ways of reasoning, rationale, concluding, things you learn. And then at some point, you begin to see, really see and experience the differences in measuremental components. Measured by life experiences and life dealings, what you get as opposed to what they get. The ones you started off so evenly with. How did you get here, while they got there? Is there better? Is here enough? How did the balance get so far off, you feel sort of out of place, out of sorts, sort of in space? How did you find your way here and when you look about, how did they get there? Was it sheer chance, or determination, or spite, or might? Which road was taken? My memories,some 50 odd years worth, are far too many to mention or even try to recall. Sometimes I feel a need to put them all down, commit them to paper so I can examine my memories later and make some sense out of the past so my future will be more structured. Then on the other hand, I feel this rushed sense of impatience and I can't allow myself to take the time to review my many memories, experiences, I won't allow myself the luxury or indulgence of time. There is only the need to keep going, forward to no one knows what? Just moving forward with no plan, no path or map, just forward. So, I wonder when will any of it make real, true sense to me? This living and dying business? Time, life time, childhood time, teen time, young adult time, middle age time, old age time is all very, very short. You get here in a instant and never really know what it is all about. Convince yourself there is "something" beyond because there really are too many coincidences for them to be coincidences through out one's life, you determine that the things that did not get finished along the way, you will find a way back to at some point in time and complete them. How many unfinished do you have? Many I would begin to wager, many more than less? And really, what is death? Yet and still and while we live and, continuation plagues, so for the under-achiever, who watches the others soar, high, reach the sky with their potential, amass amazing friends, strokes of outrageous luck or due, what do we, who started off just the same, determine it is for? If we can't after so many years, open any doors, climb any mountains or even buy much bread, we ask the question, when will it all make sense?