Reality Bites, Dream Bites, Life Bites are bits,

So today, I took a bite and decided to really look at what was happening because it is much easier to not look if you don't have to. To let days, weeks go by and keep going on and on with work or whatever and not look up for a moment and see what might be ahead of you.

Is it just our world's economical situation or is it just me? So this is still my story and I'm putting it out there for the world to read if they want to and I know they will not want to.

I think I am going to take off or turn off the email list thing because I am upsetting my friends and that is not what I want to do. I honestly don't want to do that. I am crying loudly and I know they hear me but they can not help me so what is the sense in crying? I need to cry in the woods, in silence by myself because this misery is for myself alone.

and then came GOD.

To tell me it was going to be okay and yet I know, what okay means is, eventually I will get a job, it just may not be in time enough for me to keep what I have, this house, my refuge, the place where my little children come and I can embrace them and make them feel as special as they are, as special as they need to feel, as only a grandmother can make a grandchild feel and they deserve that and who would want my little piece of place anyway? It is mine, what I have worked so hard for, it is mine, what I have and it is slipping....

You can pray for whatever but just like the Pastor said in church last Sunday, what's going to happen will happen and it is still not GOD's fault and it is not. He is not a magician, he is GOD and we live in a world of Free Will and my will turned down the bono fide job I had lined up and my will has me here. So here I am and here I will be until something or the wind changes and I change with it. My situation changes...

Situation feels so out of control. Have you ever felt out of control? Or, have you ever been out of control? It is a very very frightening feeling, to be out of control. Say you are driving a car and the steering wheel did not work, imagine the panic right away panic! Sheer, pure panic in your chest and heart and you think, OH SHOOT (or the other word really), I can't steer this car, and I can't control where I am going or, when I am going to stop! And will I crash? This is what this is like, this situation, getting up and not knowing what will happen, it's just like that...

In the morning and in the night and so you sleep, you sleep because sleep is the best refuge so long as you don't dream.

I had a dream last night though, and in my dream I was at a house that was an older brick house and it was mine or I lived there and it was a new situation for me and it was okay. And maybe that was what GOD was telling me, it would be okay. And while sitting out on the porch, I noticed turkeys, real ones and there were a number of them and some of them did not belong and there was a big truck that came along with Indians in it to get the turkeys that should have been with them. These particular turkeys were of superior stock, eagle turkeys in a way and they were not the type that eventually ended up on anyone's table at Thanksgiving, they were to be raised and loved and always taken care of on the Indian's land or place of residence, or farm or what have you...

And I remember that what impressed me the most was the feeling the Indians had for the creatures. It was special and I watched when they drove away and wondered what distinguished one from the other when they all looked the same? What makes one better than the other? Why is better anyway? Why is there a better when it comes to living things? Aren't we all better or at a minimum our best as is? Bet-ter, is best with things not people.

Which is not to take away from the fact that we as people can improve upon our selves, our insides yet we still just are, aren't we? We don't really change over the years? I know for me, I am still very much the little girl I remember, who loved to think and walk alone sometimes just because it allowed me to be with me alone and that time alone was some of my best times. See, I really like to be with me, I always have.

And I am still the young girl who enjoyed walking to the library in Springfield because the walk was good and the library was wonderful and full of so many books. And I am still the young woman who enjoyed even the college library because it was polished and I could see so many studious young people there who cared about the world and their futures and I would watch them, while I was there alone and wonder about their lives, ambitions and such. And I am still the young mother who loved her children whole heartily and wanted the very best for them and still do. I am still me, after all, even with the things I tried on the inside to make better, I am still me. We age, yet we don't age at all, not really, not internally.

I really believe this. No, actually, I know it and I think most of us know it, we just don't think about it much. People are who they are and at a certain age, they solidify and then that is it, their bodies age and they learn more "stuff" but inside, they are the same always until the very end of it all.

And that is the reality or life bites, or bits whichever for whatever it's worth...