I miss the easier days, if they were easier.
I seem to wish and recall the days as better, although I know somewhere deep in my heart, the days then were dangerous with mishaps, and blunders then as well as now.
Difference though and it is a true difference, I had the stamina to handle the challenges presented. Exuding the pretense of grand self, the entitlement that goes along with youth to cover one's pride and keep me focused on the promise of what is deserved.
Age and the battle and bulge of life itself, simple sun up and down, daily deals, contenuim takes and rubs the entitlement down. Now see, or better still to feel, while looking all around each one feels the same entitlement. Each and every one is, yes... entitled and know it is over-stood that collectively, selectively, protectively, you are not so special after all.
You are not one of the chosen, you are one of the millions, who will not win the millions allotted to those at random.
With this mind set I wake up daily and go through the routine of daily "my" life. Which means rising in the morning, handling the necessity of hair, washing the body, getting it ready with war paint and favor, for the business environment. Once there, cubical-ed, imprisoned and watched. I commence to complete as much of the "work" they require. From time to time, I get a surge of encouragement, brought on I suppose by some random enlightenment that may cross over my countance. And I give it a real, strong try! Only to be plummeted back down to the realization that the past is securely in the past and the present provides no sense of entitlement at all.
Right now the children are grown and we have grown far apart. It is not what I desired, however I played a major role in it's birth and the right of the children to feel as they do. The aloneness of not having my first born three, around me is immense and the heaviest burden I have ever known. I can't seem to explain to them my personal and very human need. And then the extended need for them to stay close to me, not in an overbearing way, but close enough for me to know they are there.
With this mind set I wake up daily and go through the routine of daily "my" life. Which means rising in the morning, handling the necessity of hair, washing the body, getting it ready with war paint and favor, for the business environment. Once there, cubical-ed, imprisoned and watched. I commence to complete as much of the "work" they require. From time to time, I get a surge of encouragement, brought on I suppose by some random enlightenment that may cross over my countance. And I give it a real, strong try! Only to be plummeted back down to the realization that the past is securely in the past and the present provides no sense of entitlement at all.
Right now the children are grown and we have grown far apart. It is not what I desired, however I played a major role in it's birth and the right of the children to feel as they do. The aloneness of not having my first born three, around me is immense and the heaviest burden I have ever known. I can't seem to explain to them my personal and very human need. And then the extended need for them to stay close to me, not in an overbearing way, but close enough for me to know they are there.
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