Been feeling

I have been feeling so many things the past few days, wondering why I can speak inside of me when others are around, and wish I was able to put it all down and then when I am alone, the buzzing of thoughts are tranquil, still, quiet and subdued...  This realization has just come to me, as I sit here in the work cafe', biding just a little time until I have to go back up those stairs, to the team, I don't really know, yet know they don't really care for me.  I know they think I am an odd duck and they wonder about my motivation.

It is very difficult working among individuals, associates, teammates as we are to call each other, coworkers and know I have been looked over by my own supervisor, when everyone else on the team, or at least on my side of the "wall", have been given promotions, some not once but twice!  And what is the realization of that?  I know there are valid reasons for some of the considerations, yet there are others, obvious discrepancies that lead to discriminatory activity.  I have a heart full, pouring over with pain and fear of my own reactions to being continually scorned.  I want to behave in a professional manner and carry myself as a proper christian woman should and would, but how often can I be slighted by people I know and a supervisor who plays games so very well that it makes me nauseous?  Hypocrisy reeks within the walls of this place.  I am just plain tired of it all and I must get out.  I feel an intense need to get out because if I do not, I will die.  I can feel it, I will die.

The homeland, what a mess that is!  My fears have paralyzed me to the point of no return.  I am terrified of opening up envelopes, I dread answering telephones, I work week to week and try to pay everyone who needs something from me and I wonder how things got this bad.  They NEVER considered what this boost might have done for me personally?  They don't give a damn, they only play this game, this corporate game for the corporate (w)right ones because they have been so programmed to do so, they will not ever consider they own people as the corporate (w)right ones do.  Never take the risk of promoting within as the owners have been programmed to do.  We care so little about one another, except in the proper settings of course.  In churches, the segregation example of the world each and every Sunday morning, they behave as if each other really matters, but this is a farce come Monday morning, the light of day and the reality of our out stretched hands which we hold out with heads bent slightly, eyes raised just a tad, enough to acknowledge our (w)right, corporate saviors and get just enough pay to think we are "making" it in America.  Blissfully ignorant to the fact that the money they are making, is not even a negative decimal figure of what they gleefully give to each other.  If one has ever, ever worked in a corporate Human Resources office for any time at all and was privy to confidential monetary files of the corporate (w)right ones, they would know, beyond a shadow of any doubt, that we are mere pawns in this game of life.