All in the name of Survival

I feel I have been fighting a good fight.  I have done all I can to stay afloat, to keep my home, to keep my sanity, to keep my daughter and my grandson safe and free from harm.  I have fought the elements and stood out in the storm.  I have screamed and kicked and cried to myself, to my friends and family and to others who did not know me, nor did they give a damn.  Anyone who will listen, anyone who will assist me knowingly or unknowingly

All in the name of survival.

August 2007 my entire world changed.  I can no longer manage a bank account because insufficient funds are a constant when sufficient funds are required to keep the good fight going.  I have lost friends and strained relationships with relatives.  I can't talk too much about my worries because it causes worries to the ones nearest and dearest to me.  And the concern is they have not the means to help and this concerns them and it concerns me that it concerns them and the circle is complete, the ruin eternal.

I don't want to sink in the ship I tried to build.  I am so so close to saving myself, yet I am so so far away...  it hurts so badly, no one knows how much it hurts, deep in my soul, my gut, my spleen, the crevices behind my ears and in between my fingers this pain sours all over me continually..  yet there is solace when there is sleep, except...

My grandson says I talk and scream and cuss at people in my sleep.  I find small abrasions, cuts on my face, when I wake up.  What am I doing to me at night while I sleep and then I wake up and start over again.
 
Beginning with the war paint,

I paint on my face, to secure the smile and feigned assurance that is not there.  To walk and talk amoung the working, while as an outsider, living in the graveyard, I feel the drift pulling me further and further away from the land of the living or working because the two are forever entertwined until you retire.  Then you drift away with class and some sense of accomplishment.

No one wants to hire, yet every one wants to remind you that you are an outsider, at least in the temporary, contract world.  temp o rare y, tempo ra rey, te mpo rarey, po rare temy, it means not for long, it won't take long, it won't hurt for long, you will not be long, here.  Don't get comfortable, don't think in terms of, don't ask if, don't expect to, don't try and prove you, don't do anything but work so it is tempo rare y.  I am aware of this status, reminded of it constantly, any and every where I go..

And I have made mistakes, many of them but I have no more water to keep putting out the fire and it keeps rekindling, sparking up...  everytime  I try to put it out and feel I can at a minimum, deal with the smoke inhalation, the fire starts up again and again and again and I have no more water...

My spit will not be enough although I will try to spit until my guts come up and out and maybe that will be enough, I don't know what else can go wrong?  Doctors are sick of me... bill collectors don't want to hear the same story, modification builders will only build on permanmently employed individuals, not the temp os. 

I have come so close to both the edge and standing back up, my knees are skinned and bruised bad and GOD is very busy with so many other bigger things than what I have going on, might as well add on shame to my delapitated shere.

I don't have the right to question if I make it or not, if I fall or not, who am I anyway, in the true scheme of things?  What makes me worth the water I need to stop the destruction and begin some type of new growth?  What makes me any thing worth taking a risk on?  There are those out there with real needs, I dare not ask for more than to get one foot in front of the other each day, keep the war paint on for the masses and more importantly for my daughter, so important for my daugther, GOD just keep me focused for my daughter.  I will lose it if I lose it before I get my daughter safely on her way.

so what am i going to do and how am I going to survive?  I have worked all of my life and I lost it all in such a short period of time, what am i doing to do?