Can one get past the past???

Me and my melancholy self.  I wonder all the time about everything.  Each Nancy Grace true story of child abuse, grandparent murders by grandchildren, society hungry for more personal gain and less compassion for the have-not's.  What we are headed for?  Is it better than what we left behind?  

I miss the easier days, if they were easier.  

I seem to wish and recall the days as better, although I know somewhere deep in my heart, the days then were dangerous with mishaps, and blunders then as well as now.  

Difference though and it is a true difference, I had the stamina to handle the challenges presented.  Exuding the pretense of grand self, the entitlement that goes along with youth to cover one's pride and keep me focused on the promise of what is deserved.  

Age and the battle and bulge of life itself, simple sun up and down, daily deals, contenuim takes and rubs the entitlement down.  Now see, or better still to feel, while looking all around each one feels the same entitlement.  Each and every one is, yes... entitled and know it is over-stood that collectively, selectively, protectively, you are not so special after all.  

You are not one of the chosen, you are one of the millions, who will not win the millions allotted to those at random.

With this mind set I wake up daily and go through the routine of daily "my" life.  Which means rising in the morning, handling the necessity of hair, washing the body, getting it ready with war paint and favor, for the business environment.  Once there, cubical-ed, imprisoned and watched.  I commence to complete as much of the "work" they require.  From time to time, I get a surge of encouragement, brought on I suppose by some random enlightenment that may cross over my countance.  And I give it a real, strong try!  Only to be plummeted back down to the realization that the past is securely in the past and the present provides no sense of entitlement at all. 

Right now the children are grown and we have grown far apart.  It is not what I desired, however I played a major role in it's birth and the right of the children to feel as they do.  The aloneness of not having my first born three, around me is immense and the heaviest burden I have ever known.  I can't seem to explain to them my personal and very human need.  And then the extended need for them to stay close to me, not in an overbearing way, but close enough for me to know they are there.

Been feeling

I have been feeling so many things the past few days, wondering why I can speak inside of me when others are around, and wish I was able to put it all down and then when I am alone, the buzzing of thoughts are tranquil, still, quiet and subdued...  This realization has just come to me, as I sit here in the work cafe', biding just a little time until I have to go back up those stairs, to the team, I don't really know, yet know they don't really care for me.  I know they think I am an odd duck and they wonder about my motivation.

It is very difficult working among individuals, associates, teammates as we are to call each other, coworkers and know I have been looked over by my own supervisor, when everyone else on the team, or at least on my side of the "wall", have been given promotions, some not once but twice!  And what is the realization of that?  I know there are valid reasons for some of the considerations, yet there are others, obvious discrepancies that lead to discriminatory activity.  I have a heart full, pouring over with pain and fear of my own reactions to being continually scorned.  I want to behave in a professional manner and carry myself as a proper christian woman should and would, but how often can I be slighted by people I know and a supervisor who plays games so very well that it makes me nauseous?  Hypocrisy reeks within the walls of this place.  I am just plain tired of it all and I must get out.  I feel an intense need to get out because if I do not, I will die.  I can feel it, I will die.

The homeland, what a mess that is!  My fears have paralyzed me to the point of no return.  I am terrified of opening up envelopes, I dread answering telephones, I work week to week and try to pay everyone who needs something from me and I wonder how things got this bad.  They NEVER considered what this boost might have done for me personally?  They don't give a damn, they only play this game, this corporate game for the corporate (w)right ones because they have been so programmed to do so, they will not ever consider they own people as the corporate (w)right ones do.  Never take the risk of promoting within as the owners have been programmed to do.  We care so little about one another, except in the proper settings of course.  In churches, the segregation example of the world each and every Sunday morning, they behave as if each other really matters, but this is a farce come Monday morning, the light of day and the reality of our out stretched hands which we hold out with heads bent slightly, eyes raised just a tad, enough to acknowledge our (w)right, corporate saviors and get just enough pay to think we are "making" it in America.  Blissfully ignorant to the fact that the money they are making, is not even a negative decimal figure of what they gleefully give to each other.  If one has ever, ever worked in a corporate Human Resources office for any time at all and was privy to confidential monetary files of the corporate (w)right ones, they would know, beyond a shadow of any doubt, that we are mere pawns in this game of life.

Spill the Wine....

Does anyone remember that song?  Spill the wine, dig that girl?   It was crazy and a crazy time of living.  I wonder know why I was so melancholy all those years and am still the same way today?  I suppose some folks do go through life without ever feeling 100% happy or content.  For me, at this point in time I am stuck between a rock and a hard place.  My daughter will not give me any slack relative to the ice escapades and my fella.  She does not care that she is inflicting much pain on me and I honestly thought she had gotten past the childish way she handled things after Justin left us.

But I guess old habits come back to haunt.  I know mine have so I have a lot of nerve talking or writing trash, right?  I'm just so tired and all I want to do really, is sleep.  Just sleep as often as I can for as long as I can.  Well, at least I am back watching Dark Shadows and that is always fun!  Keeps my mind occupied and my heart busy.

Free Fall for Us All

It's been a long, long time now, since we'vd come together like this, a different vibe is in the air, Reggae Music Again!  This verse is from Busy's Signal's Album or actually, new CD of music.  You can tell I am old school calling music produced for the masses on an Album...  Will that word ever be used again for any purpose?

This is one of the few things that really make me happy.  It has always been that way too.  At least since I was about 14 or 15 years of age.  The music.  The music is essential to my existence and if or when any one or anything attempts to interfere with it, it is very difficult for me.  Some would like to belittle my need for music, but I did not choose music, music chose me!  Asking me to follow for my own sanity and for the sake of keeping things clear when required.  For each and every occasion I have been able to apply music to add a surge, to drive the point home, to temper a pain, to pull out a feeling from deep within.

Sometimes when considering death, and we all consider it at some point, our own demise, I consider what music I want played for me, not the eluloge words or who may speak about me, good or bad, I think about the music I want to share with anyone who may come and consider my life line.

Today, Saturday, March 2, 2013 turning full around and looking back I suppose I have seen much, although I am sure many would disagree.  Mostly though, what I have come to know is, it is all relative, we are born to die.   It is a free fall, full force into the earth, rolling around, getting dirty, getting clean again, getting religion, questioning religion and the religious, wondering if GOD is real, if we are real, what hapens when this is over?  It is a free fall and we have the great honor of being able to accept or not.  We fall into our own spirit which is not tangible, which exists outside of us somehow and inside as well, all around us as we walk, move and sleep and wake.

I have a fear, healthy, normal fear of death.  But I was blessed last Sunday and experienced my Grandmother and my Great Uncle's spirit in a split second.  In a moment, clarity came and showed me that when the time comes, it will be okay because they have paved the way.  They whispered softly to me, not to fear they had opened up the clearing ahead and I would get through without any hinderence.  So with this knowledge given me by my most loved Grandmother, how always admonished me my fears, I know all is well, even the end coming, it is a free fall, for us all.   

The End of Beautiful

I wanted this to last, I really did.  My love for you is real in every sense of the word, true and honest.  I cannot handle the implications associated with the longevity of the thing though.  I listened to you say over and over again how you felt you had gotten the bad end of the stick.  Why?  Why someone with a past, used, etc.  Well, how do you think I felt, with all that you had to bring with you?  I never voiced it as you did, but I felt some of what you did too.  Why did you have to have so much to bring?  Why couldn't it have been just us two? 

I tried to make things work, I really did.  Wanted it very much, gave up so much and I have found that it is never good to go against one's own self.  My love for you, in spite of you, will always be.  You can't take that from me.  You may berate, belittle, bumbard, but you can not take what is inside of me.  No matter...